Hang onto that Hat

This week on Matt’s Rants, I’ll be addressing scandalous women. Now remember gentlemen, women can only take advantage of us if we put them in a position to do so. Have confidence in yourself as a man and never use items such as the hat your wearing to score a phone number or get a date with a beautiful woman.

It was New Year’s Eve. I’m a take things as they come guy, so I hadn’t exactly made plans to ring in the New Year. All of a sudden, I get a call from my friend.

“You gotta come out with me tonight.” The excited voice demanded more than requested. “I got this new hat. The girl that just sold it to me said I look like a million bucks. I’m feeling good about this man. Come out with me.”

I don’t drink alcohol, so it took a bit of pleading to convince me. One of the things I enjoy most when going out these days is observing all the drunk folks. It always makes for a good story. My buddy closed the deal by guaranteeing this hat would get him laid. I had to see his “can’t miss” plan in action. Part of the plan was for me to be the designated driver. He claimed it was because he would be going home with a lady, but I knew that was just an excuse. He was looking to get shitfaced.

So we get to the bar, and other than the crowd, it started like any other typical night. We played pool, threw darts, and danced like fools. We were also making the rounds and getting rejected by many women in the process. Right about this time, I start thinking to myself that this salesgirl must have been drop-dead gorgeous to have convinced my buddy that a hat could actually get him laid. It seemed so ludicrous to me.

Then, suddenly this beautiful woman starts making eyes at my friend. She smiled at him, but he immediately dismissed it. We were chatting about how we were both failing miserably. My buddy was disappointed and ready to admit defeat; he asked me to bring him home.

That’s when this gorgeous woman actually approached my friend. She was undoubtedly the most beautiful girl in the place; she approached with a seductive walk while maintaining super sexy eye contact. She complimented his hat upon reaching him, and he told her she had sexy eyes. I then excused myself. There was hope for the plan yet.

I socialized and mingled the best I could. I was mostly interested in seeing if this hat plan would really going to work, so I kept an eye on the situation as best I could. It wasn’t long before she was wearing his hat. I remember thinking to myself that I wouldn’t have to bring him home after all. She was totally into his hat. I even considered buying a similar hat to see if this tactic would work for me.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to take a shit, so I went to the bathroom. When finished, I found my buddy standing alone; a look of complete disbelief had washed over his face. He explained to me how this bitch had taken his hat. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, what the fuck? This gorgeous girl thinks she has the right to take his hat. I don’t wish it upon him, but I kind of hope that he has lice. At least that way, the bitch would be getting some payback.

So guys, next time you want to make plans to go out to meet a classy lady, remember to hang onto that hat.

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