Another Wonderful Experience at the Dental Office…

Ok, so I’ve been trying really damn hard to maintain my patience through all of this. Some of you are aware that I’ve had my fair deal of dental issues before. Now I’d rather not have to take it in the ass for a third time with no vaseline. The last dentist I saw gave it to me in the ass twice before I’d even known what hit me… so this time around I’ve been watching my step—being real careful how I choose my words. I presently find myself in the midst of what I’ve concluded is another dental emergency. I’ve been having this ongoing issue for what seems like an eternity, but in actuality, my problems flared up in January during my routine dental cleaning. Surprise! Surprise!! I started seeing this dentist roughly two and a half years ago now, and I can’t help but refer back to that first visit. The one where he explained how incredible my teeth are. That I had no issues, my question now is, are my teeth really that wonderful? Or was this son of a bitch seeing dollar signs plastered all over these painfully disgusting choppers of mine? The predicament I presently find myself in really has to make you wonder.

Now January is when the pain started, but I should probably mention that my problems stem from a visit I had last September. That’s when I had my last crown placed, which is currently wreaking absolute havoc on the poor teeth that find themselves down under. It started with one, but now problems are arising in another. Allow me to explain. It all started after the dentist RECMMONDED I get two fillings replaced. Boy, this is all too familiar. At least this dentist came right out and told me there was a chance these filling attempts would fail and ultimately lead to the dreaded root canal, which is more than that last bastard did. But that’s an entirely different story. Ultimately, MR. DENTIST was correct and one of the teeth did need a root canal….ARGHH!!

So September is when the issue actually started, and while I’m absolutely sure this crown is too large, I have to wonder why it took until January to start bothering me?? I’ll offer a theory, back to that routine cleaning. During said cleaning, Mr. Dentist ADVISED me to have a SMALL cavity fixed. That’s an essential piece of information. After the previously mentioned filling was in place, the tooth became sensitive-just par for the course MR. DENTIST informed me. Or at least his office did. We all know these scumbag punk bitches don’t field their own phone calls. When the pain failed to subside for several weeks, I found myself back in that dreaded dental chair. “That filling may be a bit high,” he said, “and your bite may be a bit off on that lower tooth.” Then he proceeded to “trim” the lower tooth a bit. The one below the previously placed crown. How come this shit never occurs to you right away?

The pain continued. The only thought I had is that if I kept going back to that office telling MR. DENTIST this tooth wouldn’t stop hurting, he’d tell me I need to have ANOTHER root canal done. But then how come he told me this was a small filling? Then this whole COVID 19 crisis hit, and I found myself in a moral dilemma. The dentist office did call and inform me to come in to the office in case of emergency. However, if I avoid biting down a certain way, like on the entire right side of my mouth at this point, the pain is relatively tolerable. So I wouldn’t call that an emergency since I found a way to avoid the problem. I’ve since been informed my thinking is pretty flawed. But back to my original train of thought that led to a pretty miserable couple of weeks.

My theory is that when MR. DENTIST did the filling the nerves in that tooth somehow woke up. I don’t know how else to explain it because I literally had no pain in that tooth before the SMALL filling had been installed. And even though my mouth was supposed to be numb during this process, I felt every bit of drilling as he did it. He definitely gave me a shot with that son of a bitch needle directly into the gums several times. And it always seems like the needle is like 12 times larger than it actually is when it’s headed into your mouth. How pleasant!! MR. DENTIST insists his patients experience as little pain as possible. So he says. Then Ms. dental assistant comes in with that rather sharp dental tool and uses it to stab at my gums to see if the numbing garbage is working. After about four times of telling her I could still feel that instrument piercing into my gums, I decided to lie so I could get on with my day. MR. DENTIST went to work, and as I said before, it was a somewhat painful procedure, but I managed to endure it. I think I got a bit sidetracked there, but give me a break. I’ve had a fucking headache since January now.

After several weeks of experiencing this pain that all started during the placement of the SMALL filling, a few things began occurring to me. I thought how maybe the tooth above is actually causing the tooth below to hurt. Then I remembered this guy that used to come into the paint store I used to work at explaining to me how it was possible to use sandpaper to sand the rough spots out of your teeth. As long as you can take it, I specifically remember him saying. The brilliant ideas always occur to you after a series of months-long headaches. The headaches come and go, but it never fails. When I avoid using the right side of my mouth, I start feeling pretty good. But it’s only a matter of time before I space out and bite down pretty hard on the “wrong” side and ZING! It’s hard trying to put dental pain into words. I considered the paint store guys’ advice. As I felt the teeth on the right side of my mouth with my tongue, I realized the abnormally large size of this crown. And you know how your teeth have that groove in the middle? This thing is just one solid mass of painful shit. No groove, and it hung way below the rest of my teeth.

I found myself rummaging through the different sandpaper textures at the local Meijer facility. I went with a reasonably coarse grit as I wanted to grind this bastard down. If it could work on a real tooth, why not a crown? I spent my nights sanding away. I took as many precautions as I could. I did many saltwater rinses and used way too much Listerine through this process, but I had to keep my anxiety at bay. I ripped the sandpaper into thin sheets—approximately half the width of my tooth. I placed the coarse side of the paper up and proceeded to grind my teeth back and forth. This caused tremendous pain in my gums, but I had a big picture goal in mind. It only took a few moments for each ripped-up sheet of sandpaper to become so saturated with water that it would dissolve. Each day I would wake up and feel this crown landing in different spots. I’d sand some more. I can’t explain how many sheets of sandpaper I ended up using, but it’s not easy to grind down a porcelain crown. I noticed the pain in my gums begining to ease. The tooth still ached, but cold water no longer killed my gums. It was working. I sanded and sanded, and then I felt a new sensation. The crown was now hitting against the tooth next to the one with the filling. How fantastic! It started with a kind of scratchy sensation, and then a more profound pain began to set in. That’s it for me. I’m done trying to adjust this gigantic piece of shit.

I called my dentist and asked them what actually qualifies as a dental emergency. They said any condition that causes ongoing pain. I’m going down to that office today, and I’m going to do my darndest not to lose my temper on this guy. I just hope it’s an easy fix because this could get really fucking ugly really quickly. If I end up needing a root canal because this dentist misplaced a crown, I’m going to straight-up lose my shit. Wish me luck!!

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