Not that long ago, in a galaxy that resides inside his head…
An Angry Star Wars Fan Theory…
“Do or do not. There is no try.” -Yoda
Yoda’s level of crude selfishness never ceases to amaze me. He reeks of doubt and criticism. Its as if his entire mission in life was to completely sabotage the whole Jedi order. Just look at his behavior in revenge of the Sith. After the Jedi decided to turn their backs on The Chosen One, Yoda calls a meeting with Obi-Wan Kenobi -another snake in the grass. But we’ll get to that downright coward later. Yoda explains to his cowardly apprentice that the Sith must be destroyed. Now the word MUST is a pretty big deal here. Because Yoda expresses to Obi-Wan how he MUST seek out and destroy Anakin. Yoda then proceeds to go and confront Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. Yoda failed miserably in his saber duel against The Emperor and was forced to retreat. That’s right. Obi-Wan MUST not fail, but I guess Yoda can just do whatever the hell he sees fit. Yoda tucked tail and ran like a bitch. And what the fuck was his strategy after that? Nothing! Revenge of the Sith ends with the Jedi failing to destroy the Sith, then those cowardly assholes running away. These repeated acts of cowardice are why Yoda is probably the worst Jedi in the history of the entire order. I honestly can’t understand why Yoda is seen as this great Jedi warrior. He’s a useless piece of SHIT! He has no faith in his Jedi padawans. The only thing “the great” Yoda is good at as is belittling his apprentices into believing they can’t have any feelings whatsoever.
Luke Skywalker meets a Yoda that’s all but given up on his life. Yoda is doing absolutely nothing to stop Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader from ruling the Galaxy with an iron fist. Yoda has no plans to train the next generation of Jedi to rise up against the Sith. He’s just sitting there like the chicken shit bitch he is; showing his true fucking colors. Yoda doesn’t seek Luke out to train him. Why not? Wasn’t Yoda’s biggest objection against training Anakin his age? So he has infant twins presented to him on a silver platter… powerful with The Force these twins are… and what does he do? He sends them away to live with relatives so he can go play hide and seek because he’s scared of The Mighty Lord Vader.
So, about 19 or 20 fucking years too late, Obi-Wan decides to send Luke to go train with Yoda. And it’s not like Obi-Wan approached Luke or anything. Luke sought out who he thought was “Ben” Kenobi to see if he might be related to Obi-Wan. See, Obi-Wan was so ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED by his past that he decided to hide behind the name Ben. After Obi-Wan was slain by The RUTHLESS LORD VADER, and after lying to Luke about who VADER truly was, “BEN” appears to Luke as a Force Ghost and instructs him to go train with Yoda. Luke listens. Only when he comes face to face with this great Yoda, he’s less than impressed. Luke has a hard time believing this frail geezer that looks as if he’s wasted away to nothing can actually train him to become a great warrior. Yoda displays even more selfishness by using The Force to raise Luke’s sunken X-wing from the depths of the Dagobah swamp. Still use The Force he can, but he’s using hope as a tactic by just sitting there on Dagobah letting the Sith do as they damn well, please.
“Do or do not. There is no try.” -Yoda
Yoda is the master at telling people to do things, yet all the evidence I’ve seen shows him coming up a short time after time. I wonder what Luke would’ve thought had he known Yoda was to blame for Palpatine’s rise to power. Just imagine if you will if Luke had actually listened to the great Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back. What if Luke never left the Dagobah system to go rescue Han Solo and Princess Leia from the evil clutches of Jabba the Hutt. What if a naive Luke Skywalker ignored his real friends and continued his training with the sorriest excuse of a Jedi I’ve ever seen…
Luke spends his time training and becoming what Yoda believes is a great Jedi warrior. He never has his first encounter with Darth Vader. Therefore, he’s not aware of who his father is. Young Skywalker has some troubling dreams warning him of the danger his friends face, but Yoda selfishly convinces him to ignore them. Princess Leia impersonates a bounty hunter and attempts rescuing Han Solo. After she frees him from the carbonite, they are found out and captured by Jabba. Jabba the proceeds to toy with them until he ultimately feeds them to the Rancor. They are brutally beaten and eventually eaten alive.
Yoda eventually succumbs to old age and passes on into the next world. Luke continues having these disturbing dreams. Now, instead of the visions warning of his friends being in danger, they outright show him how they were brutally murdered. Luke is overcome by his emotions and is deeply saddened as he feels he could and should have helped them. The young Jedi begins to develop a hatred towards his Jedi master. Luke Skywalker sets out on a mission to hunt down and destroy Jabba the Hutt.
Lord Vader has sensed a disturbance within The Force. Similar to Lukes, Vader has a dream of Han Solo and Princess Leia’s departure. Much to his surprise, Vader is torn by Leia’s passing. The Dark Lord of the Sith is drawn to Tattooine as The Force has shown him Luke’s raging anger. Lord Vader feels the time is right to complete his son’s training. Vader tells Palpatine of his intentions to return to Tattooine, but he doesn’t mention anything about Luke.
Vader arrives at Jaba’s palace just before Luke is about to head inside. The angry young Skywalker draws his saber, “You murdered my father!” He exclaimed before aggressively attacking the Sith Lord. “You murdered my father!”
Of course, Vader had envisioned this entire sequence and was ready to defend himself. “Yoda has taught you well,” Vader commented after fending off Luke’s initial attacks. “But he obviously has not been truthful.”
“He and Obi-Wan told me enough.” Luke proceeded to attack again.
Just then, Obi-Wan’s Force Ghost appears.
Vader began laughing after fending off Luke’s second attack. “I can feel your anger, my son… it makes you extremely powerful.”
The words “my son” struck a nerve within Luke, and a confused look appeared across his face.
“Search your feelings, Luke.” Vader knew this wouldn’t be easy for his son to accept. “Search your feelings, My son… and if that’s not enough evidence for you, why don’t you ask Obi-Wan?”
Luke turned his focus towards the disgraced Force ghost of “Ben” Kenobi. He didn’t even have to ask.
“Luke,” Obi-Wan began, “I want you to know that I always had the best intentions for you. And I didn’t outright lie when I told you your father had been murdered.”
“Yet I stand before you now, my son,” Vader interrupted, “So call it what you will, Obi, you were either truthful, or you were not.”
Luke didn’t have to wait for Obi-Wan’s response. “Then, it’s true!” Luke drew his saber and savagely headed towards “Ben,” but the Force ghost disappeared before Luke could reach him. Which isn’t really that surprising when you think about it. Obi-Wan was a coward when he was alive, so it stands to reason that his force ghost would follow suit.
“Join me, my son.” Darth Vader could sense his ultimate victory. With his son by his side, not even The Emperor would stand in his way. “Let me show you the true power of The Dark Side of The Force.”
Luke was beyond confused by this point. “Master Yoda wouldn’t even talk about it. I told him I’d been having terrible dreams about my friends, but he just told me it was the dark side trying to confuse me and cloud my judgment…”
“It was all a lie, my son.”
“I asked him if the dark side was stronger… and he wouldn’t even answer. Turns out, he was just a lying asshole all along.”
“Join me, my son. Together, we can rule the Galaxy as father and son. The way it was meant to be. Join me and help me overthrow The Emperor. Together, we can use the Dark Side of The Force to bring back your friend… and.. Yes…. yes, that’s it.” Leia being his daughter, just hit Vader like a ton of bricks. “And your sister.”
Luke had sensed it before, but that’s all he needed to hear. Darth Vader watched on as Luke entered Jabba’s palace and proceeded to annihilate everything that had a pulse. He saved Jabba for last.
“Strike him down, Luke, and become my apprentice.” Lord Vader basically commanded.
Luke struck down Jabba The Hutt and avenged Han and Leia’s deaths. Darth Vader’s vision had come to fruition, and his plan was falling into place. The only thing left was to hunt down and exterminate Emperor Palpatine.
“I now pronounce you Darth Dark-Sky,” Vader explained, “pledge your allegiance to me as my apprentice, and I will show you how to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. I can show you things about The Force that even Yoda never knew existed.”
Luke got down on both knees before his father. “I will do anything you ask, my master… m… mm… my father.”
Because of Yoda’s selfish training methods, Luke Skywalker fell to The Dark Side and joined Darth Vader. The Jedi were never heard from again and completely forgotten about.
Emperor Palpatine sensed a disturbance within The Force. He felt Vader’s connection with Luke and knew what had transpired. But it was too late for him to do anything about it. So, he took a page out of Yoda’s book and proceeded to run and hide like a cowardly bitch.
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