Top 5 Reasons I’m Thankful For The Corona Mask

I’ll be honest. The thought of wearing a mask as I conduct my daily business is absolutely Ludacris to me. But I’ve come to realize it’s just me being a spoiled American Brat and my pampered ass can deal with following the rules to keep everybody safe. I certainly don’t see this virus being a massive issue in my area, but I’m doing my best to look on the bright side. I’ve come up with five good reasons for wearing these Corona Masks -other than the most apparent reason than keeping everybody safe:

Beard Maintenance

It doesn’t really matter if I mess up trimming my beard or even trim it at all because my corona mask will cover it up. Especially the cloth mask my neighbor made for me. It covers up my entire face, which gives me a free pass to be lazy in the beard maintenance department. Thank you, Corona Mask!

Saving For Later

Back to the beard. I can allow crumbs from whatever garbage I decide to eat to build up in my beard so I can save it for later. Most of the time, I’d be checking in the mirror to see what may have been left behind, but thanks to these masks, I don’t really give a shit. It’s basically a free pass to do as I please, and for this lazy bastard, less is better. Thank you, Corona Mask!

Smelling Bad Breath

I don’t have to worry about anybody smelling my nasty breath. And the flip side, I don’t have to smell anyone else’s rancid smelling breath either. Nor do I have to feel anybody breathing all over the back of my neck. There’s nothing worse than feeling somebody else breathing all over the back of your neck as you wait in the grocery store’s checkout line. Thank you, Corona Mask!

Confidence Booster

If I take away the need to trim my beard, then add in never having to clean the crumbs out of it, then add in not having to worry about my repugnant breath being smelled, it equals a whole bunch of self-confidence. Also, when I notice an attractive woman, I don’t have to be overwhelmed by her beauty. For all, know she could be hiding a butterface. Which leads me to ask what proper dating etiquette maybe during the corona pandemic? I could actually score a date and not know what she looks like in person until this pandemic passes. Thank you, Corona Mask!

Mistaken Identity

If I decided to commit a crime, it sure would be hard to identify me. I remember the days when wearing a mask into any public building made a person look very suspicious. Now, its as if we’re giving the criminals a free pass to pull whatever shit they feel like pulling on a given day. It also makes it harder for those I see daily to accurately identify who the fuck I actually am. Like, last week, I picked up an Uber Eats delivery order from a restaurant, and the young lady accused me of not being me… if that makes sense. She said I didn’t match my picture. I thought, really… how can you tell? Because this ridiculous mask is covering my entire face. Thank you, Corona Mask!

5 thoughts on “Top 5 Reasons I’m Thankful For The Corona Mask

  1. All good points! I’d add never having to worry about whether I have food stuck between my teeth.

  2. Despite the complaints, I am just really invigorated by wearing a bandit mask everywhere I go. Best part yet, no one thinks I’m about to commit a crime! Thank you, Corona mask!

    It’s like a weird alternate universe where instead of folks getting suspicious of you wearing a bandit mask in public, they instead get suspicious of you if you don’t. Feel like I’m living in a Rick and Morty dimension of something…

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