Return of the man movie

There may be hope for my dad, after all. After the pathetic display that was my old man willingly watching The Notebook, without any kind of request from my mother, strictly relying on the recommendation of my sister, who we all know (it’s common knowledge within the family) only likes shitty chick flicks, I decided to watch swing by for another movie night. And the old man didn’t disappoint me this time. Of course, in an effort to pull the confused old guy back from the dark side that is chick flicks, I reminded him SEVERAL times how shitty The Notebook is.

The movie for the evening was Bloodsport, starring Jean Claude Van Damme. Now there are a few scenes where Frank Dux (the lead role, played by Van Damme) is putting the moves on a classy lady. Still, the entire premise of the movie doesn’t revolve around shitty feelings. There’s plenty of violence in this one. One of my favorite scenes in this movie, and quite possibly of all time, is when a young Frank Dux breaks into a house with his friends, and they proceed to vandalize the place. Frank’s friends encourage him to grab something, but his friends take off when they hear the homeowner coming into the room before he gets the chance. Frank picks the sword up and is busted by Senzo Tanaka. Tanaka explains to the teenage Dux that the sword is a highly honorable possession. One cannot acquire it through stealing. To which Frank replied that he was indeed not intending on stealing it. Dux ends up helping Tanaka train his son, and eventually becomes his star pupil after Tanaka’s boy tragically passes away. Dux then competes in the Kumite, an underground fighting tournament where the best fighters in the world gather to determine the best fighter on the planet.

So it turns out that Dux is a highly questionable character. Like everything he claims has been disputed, the entire thing could be made up from within his head. There is no evidence that Senzo Tanaka ever existed. Frank Dux’s military career is apparently completely different from what he describes in a book he wrote. There is no credible evidence that a Kumite exists. But that’s not surprising considering the competitors are instructed NOT to TALK about the Kumite to anybody under any circumstances whatsoever. So there’s that. But the only witnesses Dux had were exposed as liars and eventually came clean and explained that Frank told them what to say. Anyway, back to the movie. The man movie that’s definitely not a crappy chick flick.

Considering the highly questionable character of Frank Dux, this shouldn’t surprise me. I remember it being pretty bad, but this takes the cake. So we’re watching the movie. And my mom isn’t really paying attention because this isn’t a crappy chick flick. When the film goes into the training montage, I couldn’t help but notice it. The Horrendous hair Van Damme has. All I can say is it’s terrible. Really bad. I commented on it, and my father and I broke into a fit of laughter. Which prompted my mother to look at the screen and question what the laughter was about. As far as she’s concerned, Bloodsport is a violent man movie that contains zero laughable moments whatsoever. But we didn’t even have to explain. As soon as she noticed, she began laughing as well. I specifically remember asking what such a hairstyle could even be called. My mother, with zero hesitation, says “a bouffant,” which, for some reason, made me laugh harder. I’ve never heard of a bouffant, but a martial arts badass should never be wearing the hair WE ALL SAW or anything called a bouffant. I asked how the hell this poofy hair is even possible, and the old man simply said, “these fuckin hairstylists.” More laughter. It’s terrible, no matter what it’s officially called.

But once you move past the hair, you’ll realize Bloodsport is an incredible man movie. That’s definitely not a shitty chick flick at all. It’s loaded with manly violence, and I can’t help but laugh at some of the ridiculous faces Chong Li makes throughout. There’s tons of Blood and bones are sticking out of legs and stuff. And if you look real close, you’ll notice that Tong Po from kickboxer is one of the fighters in there.

Which brings me to my final point. I know this goes without saying, but drastically misplaced hairstyles can’t be ignored. And Denis Leary would never have his hair styled into a bouffant under any circumstances. You’ll never see Denis Leary with a bad hairstyle. EVER!! Because Denis Leary is the greatest ACTOR in the history of ACTING!! Denis Leary has total badass hair in each and EVERY role he plays, and Van Damme should take some hairstyle lessons. Because if you want to play a badass martial artist that eventually becomes the greatest fighter in the history of fighting, you best have an appropriate hairstyle for the part. But I’m not even sure Frank Dux is even a martial artist after some of his claims.

Congrats to the OLD MAN for returning to the land of MAN movies. Hopefully, I NEVER, EVER, witness him willingly turn on another chick flick EVER again. EVER!!

Thank you for reading and Goodnight Now!!!

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